Author's note:  "I met a pastor once who had a strangely irreverent interpretation of stories from the Bible.  I was like most people who think that if you are mentioned in the Bible you must be very, very holy.  Of course, that's not true.   Unfortunately, I probably took that irreverence to an extreme, but in my opinion the hero of these three stories deserved everything he got."

IV  -  Biblical Comedies 

A. Jake the Snake

Gen 25:29-34 Now Jacob cooked a stew; and Esau came in from the field, and he was weary. {30} And Esau said to Jacob, "Please feed me with that same red stew, for I am weary." Therefore his name was called Edom . {31} But Jacob said, "Sell me your birthright as of this day." {32} And Esau said, "Look, I am about to die; so what profit shall this birthright be to me?" {33} Then Jacob said, "Swear to me as of this day." So he swore to him, and sold his birthright to Jacob. {34} And Jacob gave Esau bread and stew of lentils; then he ate and drank, arose, and went his way. Thus Esau despised his birthright."

Have you heard the one about Jake? He's the son who had the stupid brother who sold his rights as first-born for a bowl of beans - worse yet, lentils.

Most say it was a tragic and ruthless story of greed, but I, personally, think it is rather comical.

Do you know what lentils are? If you looked down into a pot of steaming hot lentil stew would you know what it was? Have you ever smelled lentil stew? Does there come into your subconscious olfactory senses an image of dog food? How about one of those chinese soups with the strange noodles and the even stranger scents. Well, lentils is worse than any of those.

Imagine, big brother (big "twin" brother, who really wouldn't have come out of mom's womb first had he not been trying so hard to get free of little brother's strangle hold on his ankle) imagine him lusting after a bowl of lentil stew. Hot, sweaty, dragging in from a hard day with the sheep. Doing it for no other reason than the family heritage. Pulling himself every step of the way by the sheer ecstasy of the wind-blown aroma of boiled and steaming - plants.

I guess back then all you had was what you had.

"Hmmm! Good! What I wouldn't give for a nice can of Jacob Moore Lentil Stew right now," he must have thought. "And I've always loved little brother's cooking. It's more desirous than an ice cold lemonade after a three day trek across the Sahara ."

" Sahara ? Where's that," Jake would ask.

"Let's make a deal."

"Hey, what does this birthright mean to me? I'm looking down at this scrumptious stew and I have to have it. Now!"

Don't you think Jake should have held out for more than a dumb birthright? I wonder what the interest rate was back then? "Shine my sandals, scum brother! Burp my camel."

I truly believe there was more to the deal than was given to us in the original manuscript. It probably had no less than these other clauses: "I'll clean your room for a month. You can play with my ram's horn. I'll teach you how to break dance." Anything for just a bite of that stew. 

"Man, you should market this stuff!" Chomp! Chomp! "You're the best little brother in the world."

Chomp! Chomp! alright.

You see, Jake discovered something that day. His brother was a sap. Well, he also discovered that his brother wasn't concerned about what he was concerned about.

"Perhaps, one day, he will give me something valuable. Get this guy hungry and I could really take advantage of him.

"Hey, Dad, I believe the Lord is calling our family to a forty day fast.

"Hey, Mom! Hey, Mom!," the little snot-nosed Jake blabbers, "Esau sold his birthright! Esau sold his birthright!"

Sure enough, the time came. 

It's the time of the old man's demise and he is hungry and wishing for his elder son to be at his side in order to bless him with whatever he might have left (that he hasn't already traded to Jake).

"Quick, Jake!" mom says. "Go make some of that great stew. No! Wait! Your Father may be losing his sight but he still has good taste. You better let me make this batch. You go dress up like a hairy beast."

"Duh, Okay, ma."

Well, as history records, papa is deceived by sheepskin arms. And, poor Jake was afraid dad would discover the deception. He certainly didn't want to seem to deceive dad. He didn't want to get caught deceiving dad is what he didn't want.

Old Becky was losing it, too.

That's the tragedy of this comedy.

The glory of this comedy is in remembering that this family ever produced offspring that brought forth Jesus into the world.

But, that's another story. And we must finish this one.

Of course, scholars have yet to decide whether big brother was truly dying of starvation or simply dying from lust for Jake's beans. 

Try this experiment. Go to the market and purchase a can of lentil stew (you may have to go to a certain ethnic area of New York City to find one). Heat it up and, first, stand back from a distance and walk slowly toward the stove, pretending to be in dire need of something scrumptious to eat. Now, which one would cause you to sell your big-screen TV, the taste of the stew or the hunger of it all? And for a final test, tell your best friend they can have a bowl of your home-made lentil stew (don't tell them it is store bought because, after all, this is a rehearsal in deception) if they will give you their CD Player.

You better get it in writing, by the way.

Hey, Jake, why on earth did you want to be the big brother of this mess, anyway? Take a little corrective criticism, will you? Your stew's not that great, you know. Oh, it makes a great burnt offering, but besides that, all it ever did was get you in trouble.

And hairy arms don't become you. Try being yourself. Or take God's advice: Stop being yourself and be who He's made you to be.

Have you seen Esau lately? I hear he's doing pretty good. 

Well, you probably have good reason to be nervous about meeting up with him, but, maybe he still loves his little brother. 

What are you afraid of?

No less than you deserve.

the end

Biblical Comedies (continued)

B. SLEEPING ON HOLY GROUND

Gen 28:20-22  "Then Jacob made a vow, saying, "If God will be with me, and keep me in this way that I am going, and give me bread to eat and clothing to put on, {21} "so that I come back to my father's house in peace, then the LORD shall be my God. {22} "And this stone which I have set as a pillar shall be God's house, and of all that You give me I will surely give a tenth to You." 

As we continue this journey of our "Hero of the Faith" (and Jake certainly deserves all the accolades he receives) I don't mean to sound disrespectful. It's probably just my way of being totally confused about the way God's heroes went about life.

We turn to our Bible heroes for more than just hope and faith. We want to know how they did things. We hope to learn to walk through their adventures. Like some, of whom I have been apprenticed to, it seems I have learned more about what not to do rather than what to do.

Take Jake, for instance. Lying out in the field with a rock for a pillow. That right there should tell you something. I wonder if that is where we get the expression "stiff-necked"? Probably not. More likely than that Jake was the one who was first called hard-headed. Sleeping with a rock as a pillow, after all.  It actually became the first pet rock. He quickly drilled a hole through it, pushed a piece of rawhide through the hole and wore it around his neck.

Here's how it happened:  (To keep the holiness of the story intact I dare not challenge the reality of the dream, except to suggest that sleeping on a rock won't always guarantee such an event to transpire.
Read it for yourself. Or, may I offer the maze-paraphrase?)

Jake woke from his dream.

He looked around. He had to still be dreaming because now he is looking for God.

If God could be seen we wouldn't have to dream. God is the dream-come-true of a life that is empty of rest.

"Now where are you at, God?" he wonders.

Did you know dreams are addictive? Now, with the uplifted hand, how many of you will confess that you have tried to dream the same dream twice? Personally, I prefer the really scary ones. I get a rush over disasters I know I can wake up from.

Anyway, Jake, realizing the vision was a dream, quickly grabbed his pillow (the rock), puffed it up around the edges and thrust his head back down upon it. He shut his eyes. He couldn't go back to sleep, however, because of the throbbing in his head, so he decided to try another approach.

He decided to take God at His word and go on about his business. As we all should.

As he was rolling up his blanket, strapping up his sandals and putting out the campfire by pouring what was left of his home-made lentil stew on the fire (the embers popped with rejection) he had an idea. Two ideas, actually. One, he could have used the stew for anointing oil. But, too late. And secondly, he proceeded to make himself look foolish. Not intentionally, but, to me, it came out that way.

He picked up the pillow by the strap and lifted it up toward the sky.

(Before we go on, I have to ask you to not be a third party merely reading this account. I need you to imagine yourself hidden behind a tree within earshot and able to see what's going on. If you have a greater imagination, you could be a little birdie but you would only be able to see one-dimensionally and you would only hear sounds. I suppose to the birds the whole thing may have made some sense: A man, God's greatest creature, making some sort of ritualistic gesture to its creator.

But, for those of us with eyes in the front and ears to hear what is said, and especially to God, it may have been nearly blasphemous.

So, there you are, watching from a distance).

This guy, who had slept on a rock all night, is now holding it up and saying these words: "If you do what you said you'd do, I'll let you live in my pet rock."

Really, that's what he said.

Of course, God was thrilled (not really). He jumped down right away, descending that ladder like a lightning bolt.

"Oh, goody, goody! Just what I've always wanted!

"But, Jake, keep your tithe. There's barely enough room in that rock for me, let alone all the blessings you have to bestow upon your humble god."

First of all, Jake, heaven is quite sufficient for God's home.

However, if He did choose to live anywhere else it would be in your heart - although sometimes it is hard to tell the difference between a rock and a heart.

You see, we are quick to point out to the alcoholic that his bottle is his god. And to the drug addict that his needle is an idol. Why even God's great gift so wonderfully shared between a man and a woman becomes an idol in the land.

Let's not confuse them further by suggesting religious idols are different. A relationship with a church building or a "form of godliness" is like having an affair with the needle. To borrow a phrase from an old junkie (and then rephrase it),

"I've seen the religious needle and the damage done."

God's offer to be with us "unto the end of the journey" should be met with humbleness and faith - no bribes required.

Besides, I think the angels were merely sneaking down to steal your infamous stew.

the end

Biblical Comedies (continued)

C. THREE CHEERS FOR LEAH!

Gen 29:16-19 Now Laban had two daughters: the name of the elder was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. {17} Leah's eyes were delicate, but Rachel was beautiful of form and appearance. {18} Now Jacob loved Rachel; so he said, "I will serve you seven years for Rachel your younger daughter." {19} And Laban said, "It is better that I give her to you than that I should give her to another man. Stay with me."....{25} So it came to pass in the morning, that behold, it was Leah. And he said to Laban, "What is this you have done to me? Was it not for Rachel that I served you? Why then have you deceived me?"....{30} Then Jacob also went in to Rachel, and he also loved Rachel more than Leah. And he served with Laban still another seven years." 

We must be fair to our friend, and Father of the Faith, Jacob.

Those who have reached an age of accountability accept that our past mistakes, however tragic they may have been, are, nonetheless, humorous.

The Lord needs us as examples. Not to embarrass us, but to prove some things to those who feel uncommon or less significant than those who seem to have had great faith - and ours seems so weak and powerless.

The examples they set are to demonstrate that these men and women in the "Hall of Faith" were not only pretty average, but a couple of them were leaning a little on the dumb side.  The Lord uses them, therefore, not to show He can use great people, but rather, to show He can (and will) use not-so-great people and make them great.

The question in the account of Leah and Rachel has always been; "What was Jake's secret to enduring his future father-in-law's tricks and still coming out ahead."

But, the best question is (in my humble opinion): "Why did Leah put up with this guy?" 

Everyone feels sorry for Leah because she was so rejected. And they form some pretty harsh opinions of her.

If you don't know the story you should read it for yourself. 

I, however, love Leah. Always have. I never felt sorry for her (except to suggest that Jake wasn't good enough for her). And I don't think she was homely, either. For any young reader let me define what "homely" means: UUUGLEEE!!

You see, experience should tell us that old Jake wasn't a real good judge of character. Oh, he knew how to deceive people well enough, but I'm not sure he qualifies as an authority on choosing a mate.

Of course, everyone misses the similarity between David, the King; the youngest and less likely, and Leah; the least desirable. So, it stands to reason that they would also miss the possibility of similarity between Saul; the handsomest yet vilest of kings and Rachel; the one who struck Jake with her beauty - she couldn't have been that much lovelier than Leah, seeing how Jake couldn't tell them apart at the honeymoon.

[NOTE: I'm sorry, but for those who interpret it that Jake was snot-nosed drunk and didn't know he was kissing that monkey-faced Leah, I don't buy it. I'm sure the deception was only possible because, in spite of her possible lack of knock-em-dead beauty, her character, including sensuality and passion, fooled Jake. Applause! Applause! And he was too embarrassed to admit it. So, he was obligated to demand the original daughter deal].

See if I'm wrong about Leah. Did Jesus descend from offspring from Leah's womb or Rachel's? Thank you.

So, let me offer, once again, the maze-paraphrase:

"Hey, good looking!" Rachel says to the stranger, as she is fetching water for the sheep.

You may choose to imagine little angels flying overhead, stars around Rachel's golden fleece flowing in the breeze, and birds singing in the trees.

Jake's heart begins to pitter-patter and his foot starts to thump on the ground.

He's twitter-patted!

As he walks (no, as he floats) over to her she stands and the veil beneath her dark-intriguing eyes comes unfastened from one side revealing full lips wet from the passion of her thoughts of this young prince taking her upon his camel. She nearly faints.

The music crescendos, bass drums pound, and Julie steps out from out of nowhere and begins to sing, "The hills are alive..."

Suddenly, the music stops. It is as if someone pulled the plug. The music slows as it fades. The birds are silent.

And something stinks.

The odor is so strong it causes Jake to step back and gag.

A single bird falls from its perch in the tree above - dead.

And, of course, the angels have departed.

"What's that smell, dear Maiden?" he asked of Rachel. She has returned her veil across her face, hiding her flushed (and angry) countenance.

"Oh, I'm so embarrassed." She replies as she motions up wind.

They both turn.

It's Leah.

Rags, torn and tattered. Fluffy blonde locks like lamb's wool, matted and heaped in a bun on top of her head. Coke-bottle glasses laying crooked upon her warted nose. Arms outstretched, exposing a tattoo of a skull-and-crossbones. Sheering a sheep, wiping her nose with her bloodstained forearm.

"Doesn't she ever bathe?" Jake asked.

"Says she will on her wedding night." Rachel responded.

"That I've gotta see." said Jake. 

"But, you! My eyes are deceiving me, for I'm sure I have seen an angel. Your beauty is like doves. You hair is like a flock of goats. Your teeth are like a flock of sheep. Your neck is like a tower. Your two breasts are like two fawns."

"Oh, come on." Rachel says, blushing.

The honorable story goes on. 

Jake works for his future father-in-law for seven years before he can marry Rachel. Please understand his heart. It is commendable that he diligently pursued her without breaking his vow for all those years. He probably had to put up with Leah's advances - Man! Is this really worth it? - and ultimately suffered the worst fate a man can suffer; waking up with Leah sprawled out on the bed. 

She smelled alright, although there was the faintest notion of wet wool, but she was literally sprawled out over the entire bed.

I'm sorry, but if Leah was that bad, then Rachel wasn't worth it.

And if Rachel was worth it, Leah couldn't have been that bad.

But, then again, as I've already said, I love Leah.

"Hey, father-in-law, your daughter Leah snuck in and took Rachel's place last night."

"Oops!"

"It's okay. Don't worry about it. But, listen, you know I really wanted to marry Rachel. What can we do?"

"Gee. Let me think. I've had you working for me for free for seven years, right?"

"Yeah, I think so. Six, seven, whatever."

"And you don't want to be married to my daughter Leah - You'd rather have Rachel? Am I right?"

Jake scratched his head as he thought about the question. Maybe he felt something for Leah he had never felt before. Maybe he was just trying to stay one step ahead in this game of deception. Maybe there was going to be a major breakthrough here.

"Look," he finally answered, "maybe we can make a deal. I'll keep Leah if you let me have Rachel, too."

"And seven more years?" suggested father-in-law.

"That's it? Only seven more years and I can have Rachel?"

"Yep."

"And I have to still stay married to Leah?"

"Yep."

Jake turns to Leah who is the happiest of the whole bunch.

"And Leah, you will try to,...uh,...well,....you see,....uh,...our family likes to fast from time to time. Will you do that?"

"Oh, yes, Jake baby, I'll lose weight. Anything for you."

"It's a deal!"

They get up from the conference table - except Rachel. She sits in the dining room contemplating her future.  Two bluebirds fly through the open window and land on her bare shoulders. A light shines down upon her. She looks heavenward into the light. A teardrop begins to trickle down from one eye.

"Oh, God. I gotta get out of this place!"

There must be a moral to this story. I will exclude the obvious one and let the reader form it as he sees fit.
But, two things are so wonderfully revealing they must be included at the conclusion of these "slams" against Jake, notwithstanding his recovery and restoration, as well as his consequential role in Messianic history.

First, don't despise what you don't understand. Have you ever made your mind up about somebody based on what somebody else told you about that person, and find out later they were entirely wrong? Worse, have you ever been told "this is the best movie ever made", only to find out it was a 1 and 1/2 stars to you? Yeah, I know Leah submitted to the deception, but let's not despise her for it. Who's any better? And don't allow yourself to think you are only a Leah and not a Rachel.  The seed of promise, as I have mentioned already, came from Leah. God had everything under control. You might say that "Beauty is in the eyes of the Controller."

Secondly, never give up on your first love. There is always a price to pay for your greatest desire.

Applause is due to the Patriarch Jacob!  Fourteen years of service for the woman he loved. Doesn't it remind you of Jesus who for joy set before Him endured the cross... And now we find that serving Jesus has the greatest price of all: death to self. 

Well, that's the story.

Oh, wait a minute! I can't help but tell you what the real moral of the story is: Having two wives is like throwing a ball and running to catch it.

the end

end of Chapter (click here to go to Chapter 5)- if link is not active, the chapter is not yet ready.  Check back later, please.

Please let me know if you have read (and enjoyed) this chapter by sending me a quick email to:  ehylandmaze@aol.com

bless you.....................................Eugene H. Maze

This chapter and all chapters related to this website book entitled "Scripture Shorts" (copyright 1995, 2005) was written and published by Eugene H. Maze.  No portion of this book may be copied, sold or distributed either by electronic or other means in any fashion whatsoever without the expressed written permission of the author.  Permission for distribution may be obtained by contacting the author at ehylandmaze@aol.com.  Links to this and all previous and subsequent pages of this book entitled "Scripture Shorts" may be distributed freely without permission.

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